Baby Bumps

I held a baby last night for the first time in 13 years. It was terrifying. He cried and cried the second she put him in my arms. I started to sweat and tense up, which didn't help matters much. He knew I wasn't comfortable, and did his best to make me more so.

Then we locked eyes, and fell in love. Well, I fell in love. He fell asleep.

I tried to conjure up my yearnings about wanting a child 6 years ago. You should have seen how baby crazy I was. Everyone in my office knew. I couldn't wait to get married and start my brood, and have nicknames for them like 'muffin' or 'tater'.

I hate myself for waiting. Waiting allows harsh reality in, and when that happens, it's hard to get back to ignorant bliss. Dr. Phil tried to scare a promiscuous teenby asking her all of the questions one needs to know the answers to before having a baby. How much will it cost in doctor bills? How much does it cost to send a child to school? How much is life insurance? How much will it cost to upgrade your car? How much will your rent go up for an additional bedroom? How much does it cost to feed a whole other person for 18 years? How much of your spare time can you sacrifice? How much are taxes for a house and a family for a year?

Hell yeah, it's scary. I still don't know the answers to these questions, which makes me feel like I'm not ready. It's not fair. I feel ridiculous pressure from society to 'make sure' my life is exactly where I want it before getting married or having a baby. But when the fuck does someone know that?

What happened to the old days, where two people fell in love, and that was that. Boom, a house. Boom, a baby. Boom, a 50th anniversary party. Congratulations. Nobody made you feel like an idiot when you wanted to get married at 21 years old.

Society is stupid. It's less of a deal to have a baby when you're too young than to get married. But a baby out of wedlock is frowned upon. Oh, and then being unmarried and 28 is also not good. Oh, but wait, you can't afford to live on your own, because buying makes more sense than renting.

What gives? Maybe these criticizing hypocrites should write a book so I know what the hell I'm supposed to do. Because I can't keep falling in love with a baby smell and not get hooked on it.