Things are snowballing in my world and I love it. I love that I'm getting paid to learn how to Photoshop. I love that if I ever get bored of doing that I can be in charge of something else. I love that I get the recognition for stuff. I love that it's ok if some days are less busy than others. I love that I have an even busier life outside of the office. I love that I'm excited about upcoming things. I love that my friends are the best in the world. I love that my boyfriend doesn't make me feel bad for finishing the big bag of M&Ms. I love that soon I will be debt free. I love my new MSN friend. I love that my life seems to have ended up exactly where I hoped 10 years ago, and I don't even remember wishing for it. I love, love that I decided to fill up the gas tank at lunch instead of dreading having to do it after work. I love that I'm going out to dinner tonight. I love that I heard Dance Magic Dance on the radio today (made it the Movie of the Week, btw).
Today almost makes up for the horrible dream I had last night. I sometimes dream of him, more often after he got married, and each time I wish I could take my night back. I hate the dreams. We're usually dating in these nightmares. They're about my gut feelings making me sick to my stomach about it. Deep inside, I know he doesn't want to be with me. He's there, he's smiling, but he's uncommitted. I know I'll be spending our entire relationship worried about who he's going to sleep with behind my back. I know he'll never feel deeply enough, and I'm too scared to do anything about it. So I'm quite stuck: in love and trying to convince myself to run. I wake up thankful for our breakup and hating that I'll never see him again.
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