What I Could Have Said...Instead of NOTHING.

Hi.
Pants are so passe, don't you think?
I didn't think they made men's bodies like that.
Looks like rain.
May I join you for a cigarette?
How fast do you think you could take my clothes off?
How about that hockey game...
Please may I spend all night marinating in your sweat and kisses?
Marry me.
Where is the bathroom?
I fall in love every time you smile.
I wish there was a mattress tied to my back.
It was nice to meet you.
Goodbye.
CALL ME.

FUCK.

I am SUCH a loser.

Wasting Away Again

My current state can be summed up in four letters. DRNK.

Fuck, man.

My tummy is host to one pound of crab legs, 24 raw oysters, and about a litre and a half of booze - not to mention the gallons of salt water I swallowed in the midst of semi-drowning in the Altantic Ocean. There's something amazing about giving up control to the strongest, oldest thing on the planet. My hair looks AWESOME.

I wish you guys could see this view. One side of the condo overlooks the beach, so if I'm ever too lazy to take the elevator down to the sand, I just have to open up the glass doors, pop a cigar in my mouth (yes, I have cigars), and chillax in the comfort of my own home. There's this box of wine called Franzia that sells 5 litres of the stuff in a box. It comes with a spout. It costs about $14. Trouble.

Going to my first ever country music concert tomorrow night. Also, I've adapted a sort of hippie fashion wardrobe for the week, and am tempted to show up to work next monday in tie-dye.

What I am to you

Tons of shit to talk about.

Savasana

Sometimes the easiest pose of yoga is the hardest to accomplish.

I'm having trouble letting go of control - and for those who know me, this is no surprise. The Savasana pose is all about letting go. Letting go of love, stress, thoughts, hopes, expectations; whatever is stuck in your heart and head that accrued over the day. Surrender.

How do I surrender things that I hold so tightly to? How do I do it without someone to lean on, to validate my existence? How do I do it when I'm still concerned about little things, too afraid to touch the big problems? How do I surrender moments, people, that were once so important to me?

The meditation is never long enough, or maybe it's too long. Maybe I'm getting closer, but it's so hard to tell. It's at once frustrating and relaxing, and my head fights with my heart while I wonder what's wrong with me.

Waiting for my heart to soften, my head to be still, and self-love to come back in waves. I will keep you posted. I hear it's a journey. And it's one that I'm going to make on my own.

Past tense

"He was really in love with you," she said, as I drank the last of my not-last glass of wine, "there was no one else after you broke up."
Lie number one, but I let it slide. I haven't heard anything about him in months, and for some reason I loved the update. Even if it was just church gossip.
"I'm pretty sure it's over, Ma. Where's the rest of the red?"
"People were beginning to plan your wedding, you know."
I found the wine. "People plan my wedding irregardless of whether or not I'm even dating. It's because I'm the last single girl in southern Ontario."
"He loved you."
"He's passionate."
"Your smile, when he was around, it was -"
"Do me a favour, Ma. Don't talk to my ex's grandmothers anymore."
"Fine."
"Fine."

Shock. Depression. Denial.

This is me at the bridal shower. We sat at the singles table. The SINGLE'S TABLE.

This is me after the bridal shower with Colin.

This is me getting advice from Lisa who broke up with her boyfriend last year.

I feel I might be going through the stages a little bit out of order.