The Square Wheel

I consider myself a moderately social person. I mean, I do have my quirks (remember that last Christmas party when I overdosed on allergy pills and then had wine? Cause I don't), but generally speaking, my peeps greet me with happy acknowledgment when I make an appearance. Just saying. I'm not an invalid.

Except, when I am.

When it's just the two of us, I'm completely adorable and charming. Or drunk - in which case you'll inevitably fall in love with me. I thrive on giving someone my complete attention. Also, there's nowhere for you to escape to when I start discussing my specialty: random, intimate, or uninteresting topics.

If you like me one-on-one, you'll flip for my presence at your next big party! I can sweep a crowd off their feet, and make sure everyone is included in the conversation. I love to laugh - a group of people only increases the likelihood of entertaining me. Put me in a pub with a pint and a line of Scottish men, and call it a Partayy, folks. The more, the drunker. And the drunker, the funnier my random, intimate and uninteresting topics of conversation become.

Finally, I present to you my most dreaded social situation. The threesome. Allow me to illustrate a typical work morning.

Any combination of 2 girls and me is like oil and water. Or like...tequila and...vodka and...bumping into your old-but-still-totally-hot high school science teacher. Bad consequences. There's something awkward about the three of us when we go for coffee. Me. I'm totally inept at conversing with two girls at a time.

Then I get paranoid and make up my theories in my mind about why they won't talk to me, instead of actually talking to them.

Which makes things worse. And more awkward. I try to work in little tidbits of information that I learned from iGoogle, like that ferret that ate the baby's fingers. But how do you work that into a conversation that has taken about 14 different turns since you started thinking about it?

So I'm working on two things. One, turning into the most interesting and good-looking girl you've ever met. And two, getting another girl into the office so I can stop playing this game of musical chairs and charm her so much that she becomes MY exclusive friend and we won't ever let a third person into our perfect social filled-with-inside-jokes friendship. I'll keep you posted.